an addendum on friendships
One of my all-time favorite blog entries has been one that I made nearly two years ago on friendships. Today, I will attempt to add to that thought after an article I read in Men’s Health about a guy who realizes that being a friend sometimes means ending a friendship. Before I expound on the topic, I’m going to share some of the best lines from the article:
Most friendships drag on and on, in search of some critical turning point that never arrives, so we spend our lives nourishing anemic relationships that do little to nourish us in return.
It’s probably wiser to end a friendship before it reaches the E.R. My friendship with John began to die the day I realized he could no longer help me grow. What was left was not friendship, but a trial of endurance, drawing sustenance less from loyalty than from obligation. It finally expired when I saw I couldn’t help him, either. As our friendship moved past its expiration date, even my sense of loyalty became perverted. On the night of the fight, I congratulated myself for being such a faithful pal. But, in retrospect, it looks more like arrogance — the arrogance of thinking only I could help John get over his Hollywood defeats, the arrogance of believing he would never find another friend like me. It’s helpful to keep in mind that the world is brimming with interesting people, and for any friend you may have, you are just as replaceable as he is. More than that, your replacement will probably be more relevant and useful to him. That’s, frankly, the great thing about friendships. They’re not meant to last forever; you should abandon some of them.
As with all the friends I’ve left behind, I’ll always carry John with me. Together, these lost friends constitute a family of their own, held together, like most families, by the unbreakable bonds of shared history and a trace of guilt that never subsides. That guilt is unavoidable. It’s best to accept it and move on. In time, new friendships emerge, to see you through the next leg of your journey.
Foreigners have always viewed the American culture as having disposable friendships, and for the most part I agree. While I know I’ve had my fair amount of dead/nonexistent friendships from the past, I also know that I’ve fought to keep a fair amount alive too. When I sit and think, I mean really think, about which of my friends had clearly influenced my life and caused me to grow, I can come up with a handful. But I think as our lives progress, it will be inevitable that people will find themselves at different stages of life. In the past, I think friendships that began to drift apart would often, almost conveniently, end because of the increased physical distance between two people. But now in the 21st century, we have so many technology that help us focus on staying connected and having different means to help us feel closer to one another, it’s hard to finally realize when a friendship is clearly dead or in the process of dying.
For the most part, being disposable or not, I agree with the article. If you and your friend have nothing more to offer each other, it’s time to move on and get on with the next phase of your life.
I disagree. To me, the article (and your take on it) makes it appear as though friends are something of utility.
I agree that there is an inseperable bond between friends even if the friendship is ‘dead’. But take for example my friend in california whom I’m going to visit in May. He was my gradeshool friend from 6-8th grade. We went to different high schools and eventually he moved away. We talk once every 3-6 months.. I haven’t seen him in 2 or 3 years. We really have nothing to offer each other, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t consider him my friend, nor do I believe it’s time to give up on the relationship.
There are some guys in IL I haven’t talked to in a year – but that doesn’t mean just because neither of us are actively investing in a relationship doesn’t mean that I don’t consider them my friends. We could pickup right where we left off.
Yes, we all go through difference phases of life like seasons of the year. Friendships ebb and flow out of that, but any friend of mine is a friend for life.
I agree with the article’s point of view but the conclusion is shaky. How do you know exactly when the relationship is not healthy anymore and it is time to end it? I believe hine sight is 20/20. Although you may think a certain relationship is unhealthy now, but you can not assume it will be unhealthy forever. I think the hardest part about a relationship is to find the “unhealthy” point and end it.
Jon makes a very good point, you can’t be everywhere at once, does not mean your relationship with distant friends is nulled. Take you and me for example, even with technology to communicate easier, do you and me regularly chat? No, but it doesn’t mean our friendship is worse. Everybody has their own schedules, it’s part of growing up. I may not talk to some of my friends for 5-10 years but I can pick up a conversation with them as if time has not kept moving.
Last point. Men and women behave differently due to society’s roles. I want you to know in Taiwan, usually when a woman gets married, she takes care of the husband and children. She seldom has time to do other things such as shopping with her single friends. Many times, she doesn’t talk to her friends for several years but when she has an opportunity to talk to her friends, it is like the friendship is good as new. Why? She understands in this particular role in Taiwan, she has to take care of the family as the top priority and other things become second tier.
It is easy to end a friendship after an agrument but it is so much harder to figure out when to end a friendship after so many years. A friendship is like a roller coaster, it has moments where it is up and down, fast and slow. Remember it takes two people to end a friendship.
Thanks for the comments so far. I don’t think I ever meant to say that distance is the ultimate killer in a friendship, I have people that are physically far away from me that I still consider my friends. But I think what I’m trying to say is that when two friends start seeing life through a different lense, it might be time to re-evaluate the friendship. For the longest time, I’ve been the “friends forever” type, trying to linger on to whomever had come into my life. But I know now, that the people whom I still close to today after x years are truly my friends, while others slip out into the abyss. Not that I hold anything against them.
Also, I think the term “friend” can be define very loosely, for what one might consider a friend, I might have slapped the friend label on. Maybe I’m just too cautious. I have been told many times by many different people that I have trust issues.
Anyways, on a lighter note, I find this fairly amusing coming from a guy who is dating someone from Taiwan: “in Taiwan, usually when a woman gets married, she takes care of the husband and children. She seldom has time to do other things such as shopping with her single friends. Many times, she doesn’t talk to her friends for several years.” Unrealistic expectations anyone?? =)
Shud up.